Ambition
“I think I want to
change the world today.”
Vices
“I’m hungry.”
This is a story about
how I combined the above two statements to create an experience that I simply can’t
shake from my psyche. Frankly, I think it’s made me need counselling in the
near future.
I was home alone.
Home alone is more
than just something that happens when your parents fuck off to the shops; it is
a state of mind. Home alone is when your creative spark kicks in, when no
corner of the house is out of bounds. I was home alone and I was hungry. I was
home alone and I was Jamie Oliver.
Changing the world
isn’t too hard when you’re home alone. Your world is restricted to you and
nobody else exists. I was prepared to change my world and consequently change
the way I would view life forever.
I was home alone and I
was hungry.
When your parents go
shopping it is usually because you have hardly any food left in your house and
this was no exception. My fridge was a cold barren wasteland (think Jane
Lynch’s vagina). Apart from the odd neglected foodstuff (sushi ginger, apricot
jam, broccolini) there was nothing as far as the eye could see. The Sahara Desert of refrigerators.
Luckily I could count
on the single most loved food in any adolescent’s pantry.
Two-minute noodles.
But there was a
problem. The only staple food I had in my cupboard was one eaten by near
everyone in the world- how was I going to change the world with ramen? An extra
packet of seasoning? I don’t think so. Also, I had just eaten a bowl of noodles
an hour ago, flavouring sachet and all. But then it hit me. I had just eaten
savoury noodles.
What I really craved
was dessert.
Dessert.
Noodles.
Dessert noodles.
DESSERT noodles.
FUCKING DESSERT
NOODLES.
In that moment I was
Thomas Edison inventing the light bulb. I was Isaac Newton discovering the laws
of motion. I was Regina George getting hit by a bus… a bus of enlightenment.
I cooked my two-minute
noodles in the microwave for the five minutes the packet recommended as I
assembled the ingredients that would help me achieve fame, fortune and inner
peace in the next quarter of an hour.
The ingredients that
changed the world:
· 8 squares of dark chocolate with almonds,
chopped
· 1 packet of sesame snaps, coarsely crumbled
· 1 chocolate coated marshmallow Easter egg gone
rock hard in the freezer, half heartedly chopped before the mission was aborted
due to a broken knife
· SpRiNkLeS~!~!~!
· 1 ounce (what’s an ounce) of caramel sauce
· 10 drops of vinegar that I added
unintentionally thinking it was vanilla essence (i am aware that this is
stupid)
· 11 drops of vanilla essence
· 2 scoops of homemade sesame ice cream (yes my
family is fucked strange)
I pulled the bowl of
noodles from the microwave sans some sort of hand protection, burning my palms
(it’s alright- they were burns of triumph and determination). I drained the
noodles and placed them in a bowl, before combining the ingredients - the ones
that changed the world - with the noodles, using nothing more than my bare [somewhat
washed] hands.
As the still burning
hot noodles scalded my blistering hands and the chocolate and ice cream melted
to create a gooey consistency between my fingers, I saw myself in third person.
I saw my Eureka moment in an out of body experience, the culinary genius
standing in place of my awkward self. I didn’t feel it happening but looking
upon myself I saw the enormous grin that had formed on my glowing face, a
crescent moon on the sky of opportunity.
The time had come. The
tasting. The culmination of all my efforts of the past twelve or so minutes was
here. I had anticipated this moment for what seemed like an eternity.
My equation was
solved.
Ambition + Vices =
Food Poisoning
The story ends here. I
had not changed the world. I was still hungry. My parents came home forty
minutes later to see me bent over the toilet throwing up brown ramen into the
bowl. My ambition was genuine but I had succumbed to my vices.
Next time I want to
change the world I’m having dinner first.
No comments:
Post a Comment